Fight to lose

I feel like I am in a fight for my life. I am in this position beacuse I lost the fight to take care of myself. Now, it is a battle everyday with my body and my mind. Yesterday I lost the battle of what I put into my mouth. Thanksgiving day was the last time I put something in my mouth that is not on my plan. Last night I ate some toffee as I was making our goodie plates. It was an emotional decision because I had really lost my temper earlier, and I allowed it to ruin the rest of my night. I know that being at a healthy weight will not make all my mental demons go away. I'm so tired of feeling anger.
But, today is a new day. I had not exercised since Monday, and I was determined to go for a run. I had to work off that toffee and keep myself in a fat burning zone. One benefit of having Orson home is that I can run later in the day when it warms up. Today it was 11:00 before I got outside. But, it felt so good. There was a slight wind which I didn't appreciate as I was finishing up my fourth mile. However, I was so proud of myself for my efforts and as I will tell you later, it paid off. Here are my lap times:
Mile 1-12:37 (all running)
Mile 2-12:34(all running)total 25:11
Mile 3-13:47(walking and running)total 38:59
Mile 4-15:57(hobbling and jogging)total 54:56
When I think back to my fist 5K a year and a half ago, I did 3.1 miles in over 51 minutes. Now I can almost do 4 miles in that same time. I was pretty wowed when my dad beat me in the 5K on Thanksgiving by 12 minutes. Even though he has 25 years on me, he also weighs 20 pounds less. I can't wait to see what I can do with 20 more pounds gone. As of today my weight is........

183.9

When I realize that I am over 10 pounds lighter than on Thanksgiving, which was 3 weeks ago, I can hardly believe it. I have to give Cindy Sybrowski a shout out for keeping after me to give this a try. I would not have thought results like this could be possible. I had set a goal to weigh 180 by Christmas, and with 8 days to go, I may be close. As long as I keep going in this direction, it's all good.

Okay, I have one more rant. Sorry this post is so long. I guess I've had lots on my mind. I find that I live in a few mentality. As excited as I am with my success, I fear that something will happen to mess it up. I don't like having these thoughts. I feel like if I get too excited, then I will blow it. This has been a cycle that has held me back in Mary Kay all these years. Any time I have had a little success, I do something to stop it. It is always actions on my part. I'm not quite sure how to flip the switch in my thinking, but I've got to find a way. My greatest wish with everything that I do is to be able to feel happy. I want to smile more and feel joy and peace and extend it to others. And I don't want it to feel forced or fake or like it's only a show for others, and my family doesn't get to benefit.

I don't know what else to say, but I am looking forward to the new year. I am hopeful that Orson will be working and we can settle back into a healthy routine. I appreciate all your comments and support. I love you guys so much!!!

Pushing myself

My body aches. I have not pushed myself like this in a long time. It is good for me. It makes me feel strong even as I have to crawl to the waiting hot bath. I was out of town from Thursday to Sunday, so I ate out more than normal. Despite that, my weight is now 185.7.
Saturday I went to a 90 minute boot camp with my dad. I had a lot of fun, but it was hard and I appreciated that. I have been sore since yesterday. Today I knew I needed to get out and run. My muscles needed the movement. So, I ran and ran and ran and had the best run of my short career. Here are my lap times:
Mile 1-12:50 (running mixed with jogging)
Mile 2-13:05(running mixed with walking)total 25:56
Mile 3-13:48(running mixed with walking)total 39:44
Mile 4-17:02(walking mixed with jogging)total 56:46
I am more sore than ever. We will see what tomorrow brings.

Sorry

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
This little ole blog gets neglected, but not as much as my other one. Yesterday was my 2 month anniversary of started my weight loss program. And, I have lost 32 pounds. I am amazed. I still have a great deal of fear that it will somehow just stop. Sometimes it's hard for me to feel excited because I fell like my success might go away. Obviously I still have a lot of mental issues to deal with. I have not been at this weight for over 5 years. I am only 8 pounds away from being at my weight from 10 years ago. These are the things I have to look at to keep me excited. It really is not hard to follow my eating plan. I love the food. I look forward to dinner with my family. I am proving that you can do this.
My excercise has waned slightly with the cold weather, but I am utilizing my treadmill more. I just can't run for 3 miles on the treadmill. Yesterday, however, I started at 4.4 and went all the way up to 5.5. I would do one minute then back to 3.0 for one minute. I would go up .1 with each minute. I love that I can run. I love that my heart is getting stronger. I love that I am prolonging my life. I long for the day when I can believe in myself every day and not have to convince my brain that I am successful.