Fight to lose

I feel like I am in a fight for my life. I am in this position beacuse I lost the fight to take care of myself. Now, it is a battle everyday with my body and my mind. Yesterday I lost the battle of what I put into my mouth. Thanksgiving day was the last time I put something in my mouth that is not on my plan. Last night I ate some toffee as I was making our goodie plates. It was an emotional decision because I had really lost my temper earlier, and I allowed it to ruin the rest of my night. I know that being at a healthy weight will not make all my mental demons go away. I'm so tired of feeling anger.
But, today is a new day. I had not exercised since Monday, and I was determined to go for a run. I had to work off that toffee and keep myself in a fat burning zone. One benefit of having Orson home is that I can run later in the day when it warms up. Today it was 11:00 before I got outside. But, it felt so good. There was a slight wind which I didn't appreciate as I was finishing up my fourth mile. However, I was so proud of myself for my efforts and as I will tell you later, it paid off. Here are my lap times:
Mile 1-12:37 (all running)
Mile 2-12:34(all running)total 25:11
Mile 3-13:47(walking and running)total 38:59
Mile 4-15:57(hobbling and jogging)total 54:56
When I think back to my fist 5K a year and a half ago, I did 3.1 miles in over 51 minutes. Now I can almost do 4 miles in that same time. I was pretty wowed when my dad beat me in the 5K on Thanksgiving by 12 minutes. Even though he has 25 years on me, he also weighs 20 pounds less. I can't wait to see what I can do with 20 more pounds gone. As of today my weight is........

183.9

When I realize that I am over 10 pounds lighter than on Thanksgiving, which was 3 weeks ago, I can hardly believe it. I have to give Cindy Sybrowski a shout out for keeping after me to give this a try. I would not have thought results like this could be possible. I had set a goal to weigh 180 by Christmas, and with 8 days to go, I may be close. As long as I keep going in this direction, it's all good.

Okay, I have one more rant. Sorry this post is so long. I guess I've had lots on my mind. I find that I live in a few mentality. As excited as I am with my success, I fear that something will happen to mess it up. I don't like having these thoughts. I feel like if I get too excited, then I will blow it. This has been a cycle that has held me back in Mary Kay all these years. Any time I have had a little success, I do something to stop it. It is always actions on my part. I'm not quite sure how to flip the switch in my thinking, but I've got to find a way. My greatest wish with everything that I do is to be able to feel happy. I want to smile more and feel joy and peace and extend it to others. And I don't want it to feel forced or fake or like it's only a show for others, and my family doesn't get to benefit.

I don't know what else to say, but I am looking forward to the new year. I am hopeful that Orson will be working and we can settle back into a healthy routine. I appreciate all your comments and support. I love you guys so much!!!