Thursday, December 17, 2009

Fight to lose

I feel like I am in a fight for my life. I am in this position beacuse I lost the fight to take care of myself. Now, it is a battle everyday with my body and my mind. Yesterday I lost the battle of what I put into my mouth. Thanksgiving day was the last time I put something in my mouth that is not on my plan. Last night I ate some toffee as I was making our goodie plates. It was an emotional decision because I had really lost my temper earlier, and I allowed it to ruin the rest of my night. I know that being at a healthy weight will not make all my mental demons go away. I'm so tired of feeling anger.
But, today is a new day. I had not exercised since Monday, and I was determined to go for a run. I had to work off that toffee and keep myself in a fat burning zone. One benefit of having Orson home is that I can run later in the day when it warms up. Today it was 11:00 before I got outside. But, it felt so good. There was a slight wind which I didn't appreciate as I was finishing up my fourth mile. However, I was so proud of myself for my efforts and as I will tell you later, it paid off. Here are my lap times:
Mile 1-12:37 (all running)
Mile 2-12:34(all running)total 25:11
Mile 3-13:47(walking and running)total 38:59
Mile 4-15:57(hobbling and jogging)total 54:56
When I think back to my fist 5K a year and a half ago, I did 3.1 miles in over 51 minutes. Now I can almost do 4 miles in that same time. I was pretty wowed when my dad beat me in the 5K on Thanksgiving by 12 minutes. Even though he has 25 years on me, he also weighs 20 pounds less. I can't wait to see what I can do with 20 more pounds gone. As of today my weight is........

183.9

When I realize that I am over 10 pounds lighter than on Thanksgiving, which was 3 weeks ago, I can hardly believe it. I have to give Cindy Sybrowski a shout out for keeping after me to give this a try. I would not have thought results like this could be possible. I had set a goal to weigh 180 by Christmas, and with 8 days to go, I may be close. As long as I keep going in this direction, it's all good.

Okay, I have one more rant. Sorry this post is so long. I guess I've had lots on my mind. I find that I live in a few mentality. As excited as I am with my success, I fear that something will happen to mess it up. I don't like having these thoughts. I feel like if I get too excited, then I will blow it. This has been a cycle that has held me back in Mary Kay all these years. Any time I have had a little success, I do something to stop it. It is always actions on my part. I'm not quite sure how to flip the switch in my thinking, but I've got to find a way. My greatest wish with everything that I do is to be able to feel happy. I want to smile more and feel joy and peace and extend it to others. And I don't want it to feel forced or fake or like it's only a show for others, and my family doesn't get to benefit.

I don't know what else to say, but I am looking forward to the new year. I am hopeful that Orson will be working and we can settle back into a healthy routine. I appreciate all your comments and support. I love you guys so much!!!

4 comments:

Wayland said...

Barb you are so AWESOME!!! We are so proud of you! Keep up the good work. Also, the fear you are having of "blowing it" as you say is ok... use that fear as a motivator. Never Flinch and look that doubt in the eye and laugh at it! Because you are a winner and you have come so far. There are times in my life when I think "man things are going so good, when is it going to turn and go not so good" Why do I think that? Human nature? NO.. its the advisary trying to turn our happiness into doubt and fear. WE CANT LET HIM!!! Just keep doing what you're doing girl! You inspire me! I love you!-WAY

aubrey said...

We are so proud of you too. There have been lots of things going on in the past few months that you could have so easily said, 'Now isn't the right time for me to make all these changes and take care of myself, etc' But you haven't. You've about made it through the holiday season with joy and happiness about your progress and success vs. feelings of frustration or failure. You're doing great. Enjoy your success and new smaller clothes. I'll talk to you soon. Love you lots, J

Suz said...

You've inspired me...

Miller Family said...

Hows the New Year coming. You made it through the holidays, which I think is amazing. Keep us updated. Love you, J